If everyone were to disappear, who would I be?
Am I living life the way I want to live it? Have I adjusted myself to society’s norms, so subtly over time, that I’ve become a sort of actor in my own life?
I heard a speaker, Greg Duncan, ask, “If you were to be told you would die in 5 years, what changes would you make?” His point was if the answer is a lot of things, then you are not living the right way.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but there are times I’m afraid I’ve grown into my non-self. Lost, am I… watching my carefully calculated decisions impact the life I am living.
I just feel as if there is a disconnect between the me I see, and the me the world sees. And as I mask my true intentions around others more and more, it’s as if I am getting further away from my true self.
Changing tones, I think I believe in fate. Or I at least fall victim to the ideology at times. I believe what is going to happen has already happened; I just don’t know it yet.
That would certainly make the question of whether or not I’m on the right path an easy one…
I’m on the only path.
It’s strange, though. At the same time, I feel as if I have control over my actions and can change my mind at any time. Then fate comes around and I realize my mind has already changed, and the new direction I feel I’m going, is but the same exact direction I had already been on.
What was going to happen, is going to happen; the stress and anxiety was just a part of the journey; impacting my actions and decisions accordingly.
Fate is a lazy excuse for things beyond my control, but I truly believe my decisions are my own, forever and always. That doesn’t mean they aren’t strongly influenced by what and who I find most important in life; an influence that stems from insecurity and me not truly knowing who I am or what kind of person I want to be.
If I knew that, hard decisions would be not so hard. Less variables to consider and impress. It would just be me.
I thought of this the other day, I’m sure I’m not the first:
“You don’t need validation from others… Impress yourself.”
Easier said than done. The problem isn’t from logic and reason, it’s the powerful emotions you feel (love, lust, grief, desire…) that sway your decisions.
It’s a lonely road when you only try to impress yourself.
Seeking validation from within is self-sufficient behavior and it expresses itself to others as apparent confidence.
Confidence because you don’t need their judgments and reassurances; they no longer effect you. You are the judge of yourself.
It is the powerful emotional cocktail that flows through your veins that makes rational thinking feel like driving with your eyes closed.
The only downfall of this journey to personal transcendence is missing the past and what and who was once important to you… Hence, the lonely road.