Saving my Life.

Approx read time <4 min

Tonight, I want it to just be about me.

Oh, I’ve never noticed this before with the words “time” and “spent”.  Put that way, it’s like you’re spending a currency.  Something that is finite.  What would the value of money be if it were infinite.  Same with life.  There would be no value if we were all immortal and lived forever.

Today is the last day this will happen.  I’ll never be 28 years and 96 days old again.  Just like it’s impossible for me to be 21 again.

Time just seems to move so slowly, that, as children, we don’t see ourselves getting taller.  Or see a wrinkle at first.  We look in the mirror and think we see the exact same thing as we did yesterday and take for granted the facts of life… that we truly are different.  That we truly are older.

That we truly are one day closer to the day we die.  Oh it will happen.  To every motherfuckin living thing on Earth.

Even the people who spend their entire lives taking more and more and wanting it all for themselves- only to die in a moment.  And the ones who spend more time at work than at home with their families.  In the end, no one can take anything with them and will always no longer have what they had worked their whole lives for and perhaps even screwed people over for.  They had sacrificed the wrong thing, their time, and can’t ever get any of it back.

For most people, reading these words should be a bit of a reality check.

These are real things I’m saying here. Not my opinions or thoughts on life.  You’ve now spent about an entire minute of your life reading this post and you won’t be getting it back.  To me, that deserves some form of gratitude.

I actually do listen, think about what ppl say, and respond accordingly.  I figure, if I am going to be here anyway then goddamit am I going to make whatever it is that I’m doing worthwhile.  I also can’t get myself to save my energy and not pay attention.  If I say a bland comment, or succumb to worthless small talk, I start to feel bad about myself.  I just can’t stand wasting my time.  If right now isn’t worth it, and I can’t find interest in any of it no matter what, then I’d rather die.

There will be nothing in the world that can get in my way of leaving a situation.  I refuse to have my time forced to be worthless.  To volunteer for a moment that is for sure going to be forgotten, and for sure doesn’t fucking matter, then I will simply walk away.  Awkward as fuck, or rude, or whatever, I do not care.

I find it more offensive for whoever it is to want to keep me in that situation, whether they understand or not.  I do not respect the person who gets mad at me for refusing to waste life for even a few minutes.

Fuck them, the more mad they get, the more confident I am that I’ll never see them again.

I hate wasted time so much that I’ve become incredible – and quite creative – at finding interest in other people or whatever mundane situation I might find myself in.  I utterly loath the thoughts “when is this going to be over”, “when are they leaving”, or just spending anxious moments waiting for a day to be a part of the past.  Shame on all of that.

I mean, why would someone want to be a part of a moment that is absolutely pointless.  They must not have the wherewithal to be deeply honest with themselves, but I can’t take on their flaws and participate in that ultimate ignorance.  Something or someone simply IS worth your life and time, or it simply ISN’T.  And hangin in there, perhaps to prevent from hurting someone else’s feelings, is not a noble act.  Find a way to leave the situation, and if you care enough, find a way to do it nicely.  But definitely… definitely… get yourself out of there.

That said, those thoughts do cross my mind, but I do not give them much mental energy.  I acknowledge and move on.  Repeating those phrases too many times perpetuates a cycle of hypocrisy.  Before you even begin to realize it, you’ll be immersed in a pointless life.  And you’ll hate everything…. Everything you do from the job you work at all day long, to the house you live at day after day, to the ones you choose to live the rest of your days with.

Rude, blunt, awkward, embarrassing, it’ll be over soon.  And everyone will be better off, not just you.

The easier way to do all this of course, is to become good with communication and reading people, so you know what they need to hear in order to not have them get their feelings hurt or take offense in some way.  There is always more than one way to deal with something.  Emotions sometimes push us into only seeing one side of the spectrum of what’s possible, or what can be expected in the future.  But yes, many ways good, bad, and otherwise are always available to us when dealing with people or in situations of any kind.  Really.  The ones that don’t fall in line with your feelings are just harder to see and believe- but they are always there.

Just do it anyways and try.  Perhaps you’ll be better at it next time.  You’ll never regret dealing with something and removing yourself from the situation that, again, is wasting your precious days and time.  Life really really is too damn short.  And that’s exactly what you’ll be saving… Life.

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