LULLABY AND GOODNIGHT

LULLABY AND GOODNIGHT

Lullabies have me in a trance.  I don’t want to leave.  Sorrowful. Meaningful. Accepting.  I don’t want to leave.

I don’t want to move, as if I’m no longer fighting paralysis.  I don’t want to think beyond mere passivity.  I don’t want to speak… out loud… to no one but myself.

I wonder if surrender has anything to do with serenity.  If it doesn’t, perhaps it should.  Because when I surrender, the feeling has to be called serenity.  It has to.

Ah yes a trance.  Typing with my eyes closed… sometimes feels like driving on a highway, a little vulnerable, a little freeing, a little fluttering as life begins to feel like something surreal.  Lost in a wonderous way, where I might believe I’ll wake up somewhere else any moment.  Where I might believe things are okay.  Where I might believe this has all been something that is not.  To wake up, forgetting the details of the dream… it could be so?

I don’t want to leave this trance.  I don’t want to return to “life”, not just yet, I’m not ready… and that’s okay.  Life doesn’t have to mean anything right now.  Life doesn’t have to have a name anymore, right now.  I don’t have to remember anything, remember myself… and that’s okay.  It’s okay that I’m not okay.  It’s okay that I’m not okay…. At least for right now.

Why does life suddenly seem so noisy…  so bright, too bright.  I need sunglasses, and ear muffs.  I don’t want to leave this trance.  Not right now, that is.

No, not right now.  Soon.  Not now.  Soon.

I could feel this way forever, or it might as well be in this moment.  An infinite serenity where everything is okay.  This could last forever…  or at least until the end of this lullaby.

Then I’ll say goodnight………. And maybe a tear shall fall while my face expresses utter peace.

And then, before it turns into a drop, it’ll be so- the good part of the night.  Yes, it will be so.

It’s okay to say it.  it’s okay if you’re not ready.  It has to be said one of these moments.  It’ll be okay.  It’ll be okay.

Good… night… and it is so.

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