written live on october 28, 2021
I’m too tired for today to mean anything.
Sure, this same day in previous years had met significant events. Events and experiences that had some sort of imprint on my identity, that mattered enough for me to honor and think about it on the same day each year.
For most days, I’ll feel about it on the same day each year. Because some have imprinted on my emotions, and it is the day that my emotions remember.
But today… I don’t want today to mean anything. I’m not missing out if I don’t think, feel, or behave a certain way. I’m not disrespectful, or disloyal, for looking the other way on how important today was to me once upon a time.
I honestly… what I really mean to say is… I just don’t want to go through the motions, forcing the meaning beyond its natural lifespan- that’s the disrespect. That’s the disloyal.
To wake up without precedent, new and free from the strings of the past.
Each breath, anything can happen- even unblemished joy. Without a past to judge the present, joy is just joy. No longer able to be tainted by how I don’t deserve it, or how it will all wither away and die. Just joy- and wonder- in exploring the new “meanings” that are to be placed, for future Remembrance.
Today, I want it to just be today. For the first time in years.