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So there I was minding my own business when I realized some “unspoken” rules should, in fact, be spoken after all.

I’ve recently come across some confusion with Men’s Room Etiquette, and I wasn’t sure how to react.

I am not the one to discuss game stats or weather trends while standing next to another dude during the sacred flow.  Remember:

 Silence is as golden as the flow of urine.

Needless to say, I felt compelled to clear up discrepancies in a public and shareable format and cease any further debate.

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General Rule:

It is the Man’s responsibility to show consideration and awareness when entering a Men’s Room.  The Man is not to impose on another Man in any way, unless absolutely necessary.

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MENS ROOM ETIQUETTE

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Common and Acceptable Phrases:

• Shake hands with the President
• Drop the Browns off at the Super Bowl
• See a man about a horse
• Skip to the loo
• Put out a fire
• Drain the vein (or main vein)
• Drop the kids off at the pool
• Head, John, or Can
• More will be added in the comments section!
  

Violations:

A Man is found to be in violation if He…

• Shake hands with another Man for any reason.  Introductions and respectful greetings can – and will – wait until after the Men have rested; hence Restroom.

• Sparks conversation.  The Man should wait 30 to 45 seconds until the snake is back in its cage, and then state his incredible insights about the weather that couldn’t wait.
  • Or if a Man takes offense to a guy not carrying the conversation, regardless of importance of topic- especially while you are both putting out urinal fires.

• Brings food into a Men’s Room.  Drinks are ok.

• Shakes more than twice.  Means your playing with it. In which case, head to the nearest stall.

• Splashes water.  When a Man leaves the sink area, there shouldn’t be puddles of water everywhere.

• Misses the urinal.  Stand closer, or get hand warmers for your human thermometer before you make your fellow Man have to wash his shoes.  Worst case, throw some brown paper towels on top of it and kick it around with your own shoes.
  • Minor transgressions of the occasional side of the urinal splashing, are not considered a “miss”.

• Miss the trash can with a basketball-style toss.  This is when a Man tosses out trash from a distance greater than 3 feet, misses, and does not pick it up and try again.

• Make eye contact.  In almost all other cases except a Men’s Room, eye contact is a sign of respect and attentiveness…  In the Men’s Room, any eye contact beyond an occasional glance – maybe – is a sign of disrespect, and attentiveness is a poor Restroom trait.

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Proper Urinal Etiquette:

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Relevant Terms… [does not apply to urinals with the short privacy walls separating them.]

Parallel Parking  –  occurs when a Man  “parallel parks” himself between two urinals being used.  See #4 in below example.

Every Other Rule  – there will be 1 urinal of space between urinal users.

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Situational Example…

If there are 5 urinals next to each other (labeled 1 through 5 respectively), this means there are 3 usable urinals available.  2 are reserved for times of high demand.

This is the correct procedure:

1. First Man will choose an odd number of either urinals 1, 3, or 5, but never 2 or 4 as it limits the options of other Men that may enter after.
2. Second Man will choose his urinal using the Every Other Rule, leaving at least 1 urinal of space between them.
   

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   You’re an ass hole if…

   Say the First Man chose Urinal 1.  It’s an ass hole move to choose urinal 4 because if a Third Man were to walk in, he would have no viable urinal options with the required 1 urinal space of separation, set forth by the Every Other Rule.

   Whatever the Third Man chooses, he will be wrong.  In this case, the stall or simply waiting are his options.

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3. Third Man will choose the last available urinal upholding the Every Other Rule.
4. Fourth Man… now this Fourth Man is at high risk for violating the Parallel Parking Rule.

This creates chaos and should be avoided except for extreme wait lines, in which case Men’s Room Etiquette adjusts to the situation.

The Fourth Man will have to wait the 30-45 seconds, or use a stall.

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Parallel Parking is especially awkward when, out of 5 urinals, 3 in a row are being used, leaving two lone urinals dry with confusion.

Don’t be the one to choose urinal 2, when 1 and 3 are in use.

If a Man were to mess up the rotation and choose an even number of 2 or 4, the Every Other Rule still applies.

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Proper Stall Etiquette:

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Relevant Terms…   3 Methods of Protection

1. Hover Method*–  Make a fist and place it on the wall behind you, giving you stability and leverage to relieve yourself a few inches above the seat.
2. TPS Method– or “Toilet Paper the Seat” – lining the rim of the seat with carefully placed strips of toilet paper, creating ample protection from whatever horrible history the public porcelain seat has been through.  A minimum of one-ply should be good enough.
3. FIIG Method**– or the “Fuck It I’m Going” – taking a risk by sitting down without seat protection.

*Great for porta johns.

**Not recommended for porta johns.

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Stall Etiquette :

Stalls are not meant to be places of comfort while publicly shitting.

It is where Men can seek refuge in dangerously close circumstances they may find themselves in.

Women use stalls every time for both things, but when a Man walks into a stall, it’s safe to assume what kind of “shit” he’ll be tending to.

1. Keep things brief.  As soon as the emergency is over, get out of there. Don’t take phone calls or watch too many YouTube videos.  The Man can take his time when he gets home.
2. Be considerate.  If a Man is knowingly in a stall when you walk in, and there is not a sound in the whole room, flush the urinal out of consideration to break the silence.

Stay brief as well, because chances are he’s clenching back a losing battle and time is running out.  He is clenching for your sake, show your appreciation by drowning out the silence.

3.        Express yourself.  You may draw/write on the stall doors, regardless of how nice the rest of the building is.  It gives Men a good laugh in when they find themselves in shitty situations.

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Warning!

It’s important not to forget about the Up-Splash.  This can often be remedied by preventative toilet paper layer placed on the surface of the water.

If you are a victim, contact your primary care physician.

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Post-Relief Etiquette:

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It is mandatory to wash hands thoroughly after visiting a stall, or touching any handles.

Exception…  Automatic flushing urinals allow for a “no hand wash” option.  Men do not have to touch anything at all to take a piss at a urinal except a zipper, everything else is experienced and precise finagling.

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Next up:  Men’s Locker Room Etiquette

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I have a painting on my wall of a – shit, can’t remember what the word is- but the guy that fucks with Bulls and flaps his flimsy red napkin in an arena.  

They taunt the Bulls and everyone cheers.

The dude shakes out a red rug in front of thousands of people and let’s a 1 ton bull sprint towards him trying to end his life.

I mean, I stop shitting when just ONE person walks into the men’s room.

He has lead cannon balls for testicles compared to me and I walk past a picture of him without a thought.

Well here’s your damn kudos.

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[The featured image is the exact painting I have]