Killing with Kindness


Oh, that feeling I get when a sarcastic fucking ass hole gives me the ol’…

“Have a great day!!”


Complete with an exaggerated friendly nod like we were best friends from childhood.  He had to pass me 3 times, and said it loud with a stupid grin on his face each time.

Fucking. Ass hole.

It was apparent he was proud of himself for thinking up this witty comeback to our little disagreement, assuming he could beckon a rise out of me.

He almost did, but he’ll never know that.

I tricked the outside of my body to do the exact opposite of what the inside felt like doing.  And while this bought me several minutes to talk myself down to serenity

Some notable thoughts crossed my mind…


THOUGHT #1!

Mostly because I needed to reassure my ego [so it can let go of its hold on me] I recognized that if I unleashed myself, there’s no doubt I’d have a choice on the level of pain I wanted him to feel until I felt an internal sense of Justice being served.

Thus relief from the fury.

Being a Sergeant in the Marines, I’ve been in enough ‘altercations’ in my life where it was clear to me this dude had no idea what animal he was poking a stick at.

Just thinking about that made me feel better momentarily.


THOUGHT #2! 

He drove a shitty car, wore shitty clothes, overall unkempt appearance, I judged him to have a more pathetic life than me; and with less opportunity. 

Assuming my judgments were close to truth, he had a dead end job making just enough money to get by, with inadequate retirement funds, and will have a shitty life until he dies.

And because I’ve proved myself to be superior to him in my head, he became less of a “threat” to be taken seriously. 


THOUGHT #3!

Still angry but moving towards reason, my next thought…

Even though he’s being an ass hole today – and to ‘super important me’doesn’t mean he needs to be taught a lesson. 

And I certainly don’t need to be the teacher.

I barely have time for my family, I’m not about to spend more time teaching this piece of shit when to shut his mouth.


Thought #4!

This thought was a bit calmer…  It didn’t go as far as remorse or guilt, but I concluded that I was being an ignorant douche bag for thinking his clothes and shoes were shitty.  And that I shouldn’t assume he had a shitty job, shitty future, and shitty life altogether; just by how I see him today.

Even if I was correct, I began to feel awkward about having felt the need to belittle and insult him in my head.

Do I really need to criticize someone’s appearance and life choices in order to calm down and make myself feel better?

I expect that’s what a shitty person would do.


Thought #5

This thought made me suddenly realize what was actually going on…

He was just being “nice” to me.  No actual threat was happening.  He had already chosen his weapon of being super duper kind, and was not going to escalate further.

He had passed the ball to me, and I generously caught it.  And responded with 3 variations of, “Thanks, you too, brother.”

At first, I wasn’t sure if it actually was as genuine as it sounded.  Either I’m a terrific actor, or I’m growing up.


Thought #6

My next thought made me realize that the powerful emotional cocktail that flowed through my veins was the main source of my inner turmoil; not even that ass hole.

The intense emotions made me feel like a balloon packed tight with air, ever more pushing the limits of the cheap latex material, and awaiting explosion any moment. 

My emotions literally blinded my logic and objectivity of the situation.



So a sarcastic fucking ass hole taught me a good lesson.  He allowed me to see a flawed part of me that I wanted to overcome.

I would hope that I can be a person that overcomes tearing people down [whether in my head or not] to make myself feel better about bad situations.

I don’t need to prove myself superior, because I’m really not superior to anyone or anything. 

We are all on the same level, just walking different paths.

I want to be someone who respects others and accepts everyone as they are.  The most I feel is acceptable behavior is to influence others by holding myself to a high standard and living by example; even if its as simple as admitting when I’m wrong when interacting with others or picking up trash on the street.

In conclusion…

Even though my thoughts are my own, I didn’t want to enable myself by justifying my terrible thoughts because he “deserved” it.  As if I were God and get to decide what’s just and fair.

After all, I don’t want to be a shitty person.  And I don’t want to justify being a shitty person because other people are shitty to me.

All that leads to is everyone getting doused in shit.


One response

  1. Intense. I could feel all those things and have gone through similar thoughts. However, your conclusion had a better outcome. I still try to get over how I want to hurt Lloyds’, not physically, of course, but vehemently wish for their business to fail. This post helped me see that’s not really the case. (I really just want an apology, which I know I will never get.) Thanks.

    Like

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